As my natal day approaches I find myself reflecting a lot on my age, how I got where I am, where I would like to go from here and how my character has changed – because it has. I’m not sure if the character changes are due to general aging issues, or are stemming from the experiences I’ve had and the people I’ve met who have influenced me in some way.
I really miss my brother. This week I have been especially emotional about his death and my loss. Perhaps because we used to spend a lot of time talking about the things I have been thinking about and I miss his unique perspective. Not that we agreed on everything, by any means. But we always managed to have in depth discussions, even about things we didn’t actually agree on, without losing respect for each other.
And sometimes I would change my thinking because of what he had to say.
Entering my 65th year I find myself both more and less of what I was.
I find myself more tolerant of people’s differences – and less tolerant of people who are intolerant of others.
I find myself – due to years of various health issues – less fit – and more determined to live as good a life as I can manage in spite of those health issues.
I find myself less inclined to spend time with people (extreme introvert?) and more inclined to teach those who want to know what I know.
I find myself thinking about the fact that we all have expiry dates, recognizing that, if it weren’t for the fact a) that my brother died so suddenly alerting me to familial cardiac issues and b) that cardiac issues such as I have are now treatable, I would not be here right now.
Since I am still here, I can only assume that there is more I need to do, more I need to accomplish. Friends tell me I can’t ‘go’ yet because they need me around so they can pick my brains. Since no one is immortal, I feel compelled to try to sum up what I know in some way to leave for…posterity?
Which begins to feel very egotistical, but also very purposeful.
I find myself less inclined to try to please others and more inclined to please myself. If people don’t buy what I make, I will have to eventually stop producing so much but in the meantime I have this stash that wants using up.
I find myself wanting to see more of this world, and nervous about leaving Canada. No one likes feeling fragile and potentially getting sick while out of their own country.
I find myself trying very hard to not think about my health issues without ever being able to entirely block out what is happening in my body.
In many ways I find myself teetering on the edge of so many things, not knowing how long I will hold my balance nor which ‘side’ of the edge I will fall to when I do.
I find myself with a heightened awareness that life is good, life is sweet, life is a juggling act and a challenge. The glass is neither half full, nor half empty – it is refillable!