This morning I spent another hour or so with my physiotherapist. We discussed my progress (inchworm rate) and she walked me through more exercises to assess that progress for herself. Because a patient doesn’t always have a good handle what is happening to their bodies. I understand, and appreciate the ‘back up’.
She remains encouraging, reminding me that recovery is always going to be slower than the patient would like.
And I feel it, I do. But ‘progress’ is so dreadfully slow that it becomes difficult – at times – to stay positive.
She encouraged me to set goals last time, and I told her today that the only goal that I could work with right now is ‘it has to be better than this’. I told her I needed an open end goal, not a goal that I fail to reach and get depressed – again.
So, I needed to leave it open ended, and then assess and decide if I had reached ‘good enough’ or if I needed it to be ‘better than this’ – whatever ‘this’ looked like when I assessed myself at that time.
She did not react positively to what I said. And I understood why. She wanted a concrete, measurable goal, not something as vague as I was proposing.
Since she had worked me ‘hard’ while assessing my progress, she offered to let me lay down and have the heat pad (industrial sized!) to warm the muscles that were, even then, complaining rather loudly. She got me set up on the table and I lay there for about 10-15 minutes and thought about our conversation. I knew she was not receptive to what I said and wanted more concrete ‘goals’. But I could not, emotionally, give her any. I had set goals so many times and had failed to meet them so many times, I could not repeat that process again. (Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…)
When she came back to remove the heating pad, I said that I knew she wanted to see a concrete goal from me, but here’s the thing – what I need to do is to treat this recovery just like I do when I’m designing a textile. When I create a textile, I think it through, set up an experiment, create the textile, then analyze it. I decide if I’ve succeeded, and if not, think about what I need to change in order to get the quality of cloth I wish to create. Then I run the numbers again, set up the experiment again, and analyze my results. Again. Is it good enough? If not, what do I need to do next?
I assured her that I detected improvements in what she was helping me do, but I also feel how much more I want out of the process. I honestly don’t know if I have the years left in me to get to where I would *like* to be, but I need it to be better than ‘this’. So I want to keep going. And I will keep asking myself ‘is this good enough?’ And if it isn’t, what do I need to do next?
At every stage in the process, I can stop and analyze what is going on in my body. I can acknowledge the progress made – so far. And I can still say ‘I want it to be better than this’.
And I understand why she wants quantifiable goals. But right now? I need open end goals.
Because that is how I weave. I envision the textile I want to make. I work out the requirements of how it is to function. Think about the colours/design. Do the experiment. Assess, assess, assess. Have I reached something I can put into production? Is it ‘perfect’? Perhaps not. Is it ‘good’? If yes, I can live with it.
But I never stop trying to do better. I never stop learning. I never stop developing my skills.
Ultimately I need my body to keep functioning in order to keep weaving.
So I want ‘better’ than this, right here, right now. But I know what continuous learning is. And I understand that my body, right now, needs me to keep working to find what is going to help it keep functioning. It may not function well enough to go for a run. But I would really like it to be able to walk more than a 100 meters. Hell, I’d like it to be able to walk across the room without pain.
When I say I want an ‘open end’ goal, I do not mean that I will not pay attention. I will acknowledge the improvement I see happening. It may be happening by millimeters, not even inches. But I feel it happening. And I want more. But I’m not going to saddle myself with expectations of running a marathon. I just want to be able to keep weaving.
I started this blog in 2008 after going through a very traumatic, life changing year. I wanted to share my knowledge and love of this craft. As I wrote, I realized again and again that so many lessons I learned weaving were directly applicable to living.
Today I felt as though I had completed another ‘circle’ in the spiral of life. We never repeat something exactly like it was before but there will be a slightly different angle to the lesson.
Today I chose life. I chose weaving. I chose teaching. For how long? Dunno. But today I felt the vague understanding I had about weaving and life really cementing.
I hope that everyone eventually finds what they need for themselves. Today I really understood on a completely different level that I am exactly where I need to be. That doesn’t mean I stay ‘here’ – because the ‘here’ is not actually very comfortable. I am a long ways away from where I would like to be. But I have collected a really excellent health care team. I feel supported. I feel seen. And I get so much positive energy that I know that I can keep moving. Keep learning.
And that, I think, is life in a nutshell.
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