This week has been…interesting.
I came to some realizations, and have been working at changing my thoughts, my approach to life/living.
The first reality check was a friend who cautioned me to watch my thoughts. As we think, so shall we be.
I realized that I had developed the ‘habit’ of anticipating pain, bracing for it, then being mildly surprised when what I was trying to do was…painful. Talk about a self-fulling prophecy!
Tuesday I had a counselling session, and we began the process of pain reprocessing. We both agreed that we needed a different term, something more positive. More aspirational, I suppose. More in alignment with what I was trying to do. I don’t remember what we came up with in the moment, but when I thought about it this morning, all I could come up with was ‘soul healing’.
While it is not precisely ‘accurate’, it seems to embody the intention. I think I might keep it.
After the first step in the process, I was left in more pain than before. Yesterday was hard. Very hard. Not as hard as last November/December, and I’m stubborn. So I managed two sessions at the loom. But, I’m not going to lie. It was hard.
But then, healing one’s soul is.
Today I had a massage booked. I’ve been seeing this massage therapist since July of 2020? I think. Anyway, we’ve developed a bit of a rapport and I shared the results of Tuesday, and said I had been in a lot of pain, up to this morning, but over the course of the morning things had improved somewhat.
So he set to, checking my legs, the usual culprits, and said that my right leg, in particular, was particularly ‘bad’.
Again, I am not going to lie. The treatment today was the most painful than it had been in a long time. In a way, even more than during the dark days of last winter when I nearly lost my ‘stubborn’ and gave in. What was different today was the feeling that I had begun ‘good’ work. And I shared with him that a caterpillar needs to dissolve into a pod of goo in order to transform into a butterfly. And I was feeling rather goo like.
If my brain is so powerful that it can dictate how I approach my life, then I need to tell myself ‘good’ stories. I have related to a butterfly for most of my life – since my one and only solo exhibit at the art gallery and it was pointed out to me how many times a butterfly had appeared in my work.
So I might as well fly with that same motif, that same symbol. If I need to tell myself ‘beautiful’ stories, then I can tell myself that I am a caterpillar and I am transforming into a butterfly (or moth, I don’t much care).
Today turned into a day ‘off’. And I am learning to be ‘ok’ with that. I am learning to rest, like the poster on the door of my counsellor’s office advises.
Tomorrow is another day. And perhaps it will be better than yesterday. Plus, I secured an appointment for another round of back jabs. I told the pain clinic clerk that I had had 3 dental appointments in the course of 4 weeks and they had ‘killed’ my back. I have to wait until the 16th, but the 8th is 3 months since my last jabs, so I’m grateful.
In the meantime, I will keep working on improving my physical body. Try to listen to it when it is needing rest. But not giving up. Resting is not giving up.
It is important to remember that.